I don't know why .... but this old saying that my aunt used to keep saying ringed in my head just now. Makes complete sense, this saying now, but put in a different style of course. I never understood it as a kid, and I wondered why she wanted to talk about her bawa's cycle? My belief was she never had one, to begin talking of one. 

You see my concept of a bawa was very filmy, the one whom you might get married to, or have a crush on or the one whom you don't want to be married to or around whom girls are supposed to act shy and stuff.

Asalu, the concept of a guy having a bawa was hilarious in my head therefore!

hahahahhaah... !

Anyways, here goes the saying "sokulaku maa bawa cycle konnadu, cycle ekkaboi sandhula paddadu!"

:-D

New year resolution aaa??
Mein.....??!!
Kabhi nahi ! :-P

I plan to be the same ...... which is being Useless ....!

Someone please take this late lateefness and laziness and uselessness away ... !
Then I never will have to make any new year resolutions.
Complete man ... raymonds .... hahahah !

Oh Happy Day !

I have always liked the song! 

Has strong biblical references, but my school days have left me trained to un-notice these things anymore, rather they are nostalgic really.

I first heard it in the movie Sister Act. Oh did I ever mention I love Whoopi Goldberg? Well, I do. One amazing actress. One thing I always wondered is why do such amazing actors and actresses stop spreading the joy of their art so soon? I guess they have their reasons, but what to do yeh dil mange more! :-P

Off late I have been hibernating, just for the heck of it. Not because of any valid or arguably valid reasons. Well, I actually think I have reasons, but then I mostly live in self denial too.

I kept wondering how very small things have the potential to change your emotional status for any given day. Not to forget how these so called very small things can also lift your spirits so high that you feel like you are soaring like an eagle. Well, I mentioned eagle just because it is a saying, I wonder how eagles see though. Reminds me of my thesis question this. Oh no, distraction, I shall focus. 

So, small things can destroy or can make your day. Today, in the morning I was down, again feeling useless. But right now, I'm all elated. All because of one sentence "she has become normal now" - refers to me doing OTs in the lab. Ento, really!

Emotions. 

The thing being, we were just having a class on neuromodulation. Powerful things these. It is of immense importance. The one thing that is so complex that trying to define the same feels like posing philosophical questions. Like, I'm happy today, what does that mean? That there is no sadness left at the moment, or no sadness throughout the day? is that even possible, to have only one state of mind or feeling throughout the day? Exactly what is being happy? How would you quantify such a thing? What scalometer will you use? Does being happy mean the same to all the people in the world? What physical gestures would you propose that show happiness or is it just a state of mind? Oh don't even start on the whole "what is mind?" business. 

Potential. This is what holds the key to a lot of things. Potential. Everything intrinsically has a potential, the external or every worldly factor and the internal factors. They are just waiting to blossom or bombard out. They just seem to need a trigger. Sometimes the triggering thresholds are high, sometimes too small. Now a days the thresholds that set me off or onto things seem very small, not a good sign, but also a good sign for so many other reasons. I'm beginning to wonder if I have always been like this. Hmm.....I guess these things are for laters. 

But what the hell, its Oh happy day (more like oh happy night!) in my head right now. Now I shall suffer the ringing of this song in my head, also maybe abrupt vociferous besura singing of the same too. God save the rest of the beings around me :-P! Oh happy daaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.......Oh happy day!

This is just to say, I shall try and write more often. Yes, yes, CBag! I always say the same. So true! :-P

I bid goodbyes for tonight with this :

My eyes already touch the sunny hill,
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has its inner light, even from a distance –

and changes us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it, we already are;
a gesture waves us on, answering our own wave ...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces. 
                                                          ------------- "The Walk" by Rainer Maria Rilke

Variable times ....

there are times when I want to know the point
there are times when I want to know what is the point
there are times when I want to know where the point is
there are times when I get the point but it is highly unacceptable or digestible
there are times when the points are too much to take or too shallow to continue with
there are times when the points blind to nothing
there are times when the point is too little to hold on to
there are times when the point is useless
there are times when the point is proceeding to nothing
there are times when the point is loaded with crap
there are times when the point is just inexplicable
ultimately the point eludes me and makes me feel like it is not worth it
but the point seems to keep moving forward
and worse, it takes you along with itself, with or without your consent.

Blind obsession. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad!
I cannot decide which of these it is right now!
Maybe it has reached a perfect balance, situationally. Wow, and I never thought I could have one, in any form!
:-)

Note to Myself, very important :

Don't tell people your problems

70% don't care

the other 30% are happy!

(I miss having this poster, was a beautiful reminder every morning, also for those who entered my room :-P).

Wondering cloud above my head: what about those who ARE listening, which population do they belong to?

Most conversations I hold are about a self - mostly not myself though.

My resolve - run away like the rest, when they ope their lips!

                    Or refer them to a psychologist else ask them to pay me for it.

Funny people are all I know of. Maybe I'm stupid too. Was amazed at a friend recently. Totally misunderstood what I was referring to and she I guess was happy with what she misunderstood. Because that would have meant, lesser bhoj as they call it in hindi or lesser emotional baggage as they call it in english.

I need air, I feel suffocated.

But I guess I need to breathe by myself.

Another note to Myself, also very important:

Know and identify what is yours. The rest mustn't, almost most times, be looked at, heard to, and spoken to.

Includes "so called" family, friends, etc.

Just because a choice was given to people they start to feel off like this

They take it in their hands that your life is in theirs! And think that if they decide otherwise you might end up like this :

Some credit must be given to the possibility of possessing a stronger and more rational mind in others I feel !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjh20uFlzKI

I dedicate this to a certain someone in my lab .... whose presence is like what the song is about !

To BE or NOT to BE is the question !

I have been pondering. I have been pensive. I have been scared. I have been happy, excited, felt wonderful, although briefly, too !

So with all the mixed emotions, I have been confused as well. Talk about human physiology that can really be mean to you that way :-/

With all of the above happening in the body and mind, I forgot to enjoy the "present" of course. Why is it that such emotions so strongly hamper the beautiful things happening around you? 

A dear couple of cousins are in town. I haven't spent a meaningful little amount of time with them. I say this not because I didn't physically get myself to be present there. I was there, but it was meaningless. I wasted time, both mine and theirs. Have been a real spoil sport. But today, I breathed in and out, shook off the emotions that were bogging me down, looked around and felt very happy. What I majorly did was to continue doing what I was supposed to be doing for myself, work on my hobbies, do my work, entertain my family, spend time with them apart from continuing to be in my mental verbal vaagjaal. I freed myself from it. Took a look around, identified, recognized and appreciated what I already have at hand. There is so much love, which I seem to be warding off. Sometimes I don't understand why I get so angry and say and do things that are not meant to be. At heart, I only want the best of things for everyone who showers me with loving and caring gifts, and for most others too. 

Note to the self : Do not abuse that which is present, some things are too priceless. Know their anmolness and retain them so!

Hugs and Kisses to my sweetheart family and friends. :-)