Monday, 6 January 2014

New year resolution aaa??
Mein.....??!!
Kabhi nahi ! :-P

I plan to be the same ...... which is being Useless ....!

Someone please take this late lateefness and laziness and uselessness away ... !
Then I never will have to make any new year resolutions.
Complete man ... raymonds .... hahahah !

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Oh Happy Day !

I have always liked the song! 
Has strong biblical references, but my school days have left me trained to un-notice these things anymore, rather they are nostalgic really.
I first heard it in the movie Sister Act. Oh did I ever mention I love Whoopi Goldberg? Well, I do. One amazing actress. One thing I always wondered is why do such amazing actors and actresses stop spreading the joy of their art so soon? I guess they have their reasons, but what to do yeh dil mange more! :-P

Off late I have been hibernating, just for the heck of it. Not because of any valid or arguably valid reasons. Well, I actually think I have reasons, but then I mostly live in self denial too.

I kept wondering how very small things have the potential to change your emotional status for any given day. Not to forget how these so called very small things can also lift your spirits so high that you feel like you are soaring like an eagle. Well, I mentioned eagle just because it is a saying, I wonder how eagles see though. Reminds me of my thesis question this. Oh no, distraction, I shall focus. 

So, small things can destroy or can make your day. Today, in the morning I was down, again feeling useless. But right now, I'm all elated. All because of one sentence "she has become normal now" - refers to me doing OTs in the lab. Ento, really!

Emotions. 
The thing being, we were just having a class on neuromodulation. Powerful things these. It is of immense importance. The one thing that is so complex that trying to define the same feels like posing philosophical questions. Like, I'm happy today, what does that mean? That there is no sadness left at the moment, or no sadness throughout the day? is that even possible, to have only one state of mind or feeling throughout the day? Exactly what is being happy? How would you quantify such a thing? What scalometer will you use? Does being happy mean the same to all the people in the world? What physical gestures would you propose that show happiness or is it just a state of mind? Oh don't even start on the whole "what is mind?" business. 

Potential. This is what holds the key to a lot of things. Potential. Everything intrinsically has a potential, the external or every worldly factor and the internal factors. They are just waiting to blossom or bombard out. They just seem to need a trigger. Sometimes the triggering thresholds are high, sometimes too small. Now a days the thresholds that set me off or onto things seem very small, not a good sign, but also a good sign for so many other reasons. I'm beginning to wonder if I have always been like this. Hmm.....I guess these things are for laters. 

But what the hell, its Oh happy day (more like oh happy night!) in my head right now. Now I shall suffer the ringing of this song in my head, also maybe abrupt vociferous besura singing of the same too. God save the rest of the beings around me :-P! Oh happy daaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.......Oh happy day!

This is just to say, I shall try and write more often. Yes, yes, CBag! I always say the same. So true! :-P

I bid goodbyes for tonight with this :

My eyes already touch the sunny hill,
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has its inner light, even from a distance –


and changes us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it, we already are;
a gesture waves us on, answering our own wave ...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces. 

                                                          ------------- "The Walk" by Rainer Maria Rilke

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Variable times ....

there are times when I want to know the point
there are times when I want to know what is the point
there are times when I want to know where the point is
there are times when I get the point but it is highly unacceptable or digestible
there are times when the points are too much to take or too shallow to continue with
there are times when the points blind to nothing
there are times when the point is too little to hold on to
there are times when the point is useless
there are times when the point is proceeding to nothing
there are times when the point is loaded with crap
there are times when the point is just inexplicable
ultimately the point eludes me and makes me feel like it is not worth it
but the point seems to keep moving forward
and worse, it takes you along with itself, with or without your consent.

Monday, 9 September 2013

Blind obsession. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad!
I cannot decide which of these it is right now!
Maybe it has reached a perfect balance, situationally. Wow, and I never thought I could have one, in any form!
:-)

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Note to Myself, very important :

Don't tell people your problems
70% don't care
the other 30% are happy!
(I miss having this poster, was a beautiful reminder every morning, also for those who entered my room :-P).

Wondering cloud above my head: what about those who ARE listening, which population do they belong to?
Most conversations I hold are about a self - mostly not myself though.
My resolve - run away like the rest, when they ope their lips!
                    Or refer them to a psychologist else ask them to pay me for it.
Funny people are all I know of. Maybe I'm stupid too. Was amazed at a friend recently. Totally misunderstood what I was referring to and she I guess was happy with what she misunderstood. Because that would have meant, lesser bhoj as they call it in hindi or lesser emotional baggage as they call it in english.
I need air, I feel suffocated.
But I guess I need to breathe by myself.


Another note to Myself, also very important:
Know and identify what is yours. The rest mustn't, almost most times, be looked at, heard to, and spoken to.
Includes "so called" family, friends, etc.

Monday, 12 August 2013

Just because a choice was given to people they start to feel off like this


They take it in their hands that your life is in theirs! And think that if they decide otherwise you might end up like this :


Some credit must be given to the possibility of possessing a stronger and more rational mind in others I feel !

Thursday, 8 August 2013

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjh20uFlzKI

I dedicate this to a certain someone in my lab .... whose presence is like what the song is about !


Tuesday, 6 August 2013


To BE or NOT to BE is the question !

I have been pondering. I have been pensive. I have been scared. I have been happy, excited, felt wonderful, although briefly, too !
So with all the mixed emotions, I have been confused as well. Talk about human physiology that can really be mean to you that way :-/
With all of the above happening in the body and mind, I forgot to enjoy the "present" of course. Why is it that such emotions so strongly hamper the beautiful things happening around you? 

A dear couple of cousins are in town. I haven't spent a meaningful little amount of time with them. I say this not because I didn't physically get myself to be present there. I was there, but it was meaningless. I wasted time, both mine and theirs. Have been a real spoil sport. But today, I breathed in and out, shook off the emotions that were bogging me down, looked around and felt very happy. What I majorly did was to continue doing what I was supposed to be doing for myself, work on my hobbies, do my work, entertain my family, spend time with them apart from continuing to be in my mental verbal vaagjaal. I freed myself from it. Took a look around, identified, recognized and appreciated what I already have at hand. There is so much love, which I seem to be warding off. Sometimes I don't understand why I get so angry and say and do things that are not meant to be. At heart, I only want the best of things for everyone who showers me with loving and caring gifts, and for most others too. 

Note to the self : Do not abuse that which is present, some things are too priceless. Know their anmolness and retain them so!
Hugs and Kisses to my sweetheart family and friends. :-)

Friday, 5 July 2013

The Clouds and the Purples !


I have always liked UV's color. Especially the one you can notice in some tube lights.
That white mixed with a tinge of purple in it, radiates a fresh brightness. Can't explain that purple-ness either, it seems like some sort of an unreal thing. You can only notice it around the edges, you can feel it, you know it is there, but the moment you want to capture it, it blurs your vision and you have to try hard to find that tinge, so elusive. The only way to capture it I feel is around the edges, repeating it again anthe :-P

Those Yellow bulbs, which are all yellow and gloomy, they have a sort of unfriendly brightness in them. It feels like some sort of torture to be around it. It gives me the impression of something scorching down on me, too intense, doesn't let me concentrate, irritates me a little, makes me uncomfortable. I just feel like leaving the room then. But then again, the same yellow-ness in a deepam is so pleasant. I wondered why it is so. My only excuse, which barely serves the purpose of explanation, is that maybe because it is more natural :-P. Or probably they are not so intense like a bulb. There is just enough light, enough to make you see things, enough to know what is around you, doesn't throw too much light on the rest. Its like meeting those people who don't talk too much rubbish, just about enough, so you can bear to be around them and feel happy or sad or whatever, but still pleasant enough. Not too much information to process, or too intense, very unlike the yellow bulb!

I also like those orange-ish street lights. They make people and things around them pretty I feel! Of course, this is my perspective alone. It casts some sort of beauty on things and people. Eyes shine brighter, hair shines brighter, wonderful thing being....you can see the shine in the eyes in this light! Somehow I fail to see this in normal light. Or maybe its my general demented version of how I see things. I often enjoy walking along some streets where such lamp posts are there. Especially when the air is a little less than chilly, or when it just rained an hour ago, or along a nice water body, so much fun! Peaceful! Relaxing!

The rest are associated with other rubbish - red light, pink light, blue light! These are lights that you don't get to see often. Not in homes, not in public. Maybe because of all the other "negative" connotations associated with them. But the only time I really enjoy seeing them is in some shadi and other festivities at homes. Those serial bulbs, awesome! I can spend the whole night looking at them, like a kid amused with something! I guess green is one other color I missed to mention, I'm neutral towards it. Doesn't ring any bell, except when I think of those low-resolution-shot-in-the-dark videos that are made to bring in the concepts of ghosts and their apparitions!

Having deviated enough from what I actually wanted to write about, let me begin with it now! 

So I got up and, rather was awake through the night till early hours, I went out onto the terrace at around 6:00 a.m. Lovely morning it was. Clear sky, filled in a lightest shade of royal blue, not to mention a pleasant breeze. I turned around to soak the entire expanse of the sky. I laid my eyes on the UV-ed moon! It was shining like a crescent tube light. I never thought that moon could look that way, like a UV tube. I was all happies! Then I saw some clouds, the ones that look like ripples on the sand (cirro cumulus). Arranged like some sort of steps to the sky. They were purplish too! :-D 

I went out one hour later, the sky was now all different. No moon of course. The clouds were so different now. Still purplish-greyish in color. Only, now they looked like some cloaked people moving in the sky. Like the cloaked dementors in Harry Potter series.  They were a lot closer in height to the earth, I could see that very clearly. Moving like some evil structures, massive and evil structures, that grow bigger as they move closer to you. (stratus)

One hour later, the sky was filled with those club shaped ice-cream tops kind of clouds. Tiny ones, all arranged like steps again. Perfect in shape. Although by the time I thought of capturing them, they got disfigured a bit of course. I remember mentioning the line "dheennay vanilla sky antaaru emo". Of course, CBag thought it was very filmy :-P

One hour later, with dwindling concentration and lack of sleep, I refused to look at the sky and walked to my room and I slept off. 

I woke up late in the evening, thought of motorbiking my way home. I have to pass this flyover very close to the university. I was driving along the upslope, and the sky opened up more and more like this mounting and expanding vision. That was one amusing and breathtaking vision of the sky I had. Filled with purplish-greyish-lilac clouds! Like the color of a Brinjal's flower. The whole sky was filled with it! These were bigger clouds of course. 

I saw those clouds, spent a few minutes wondering what color describes them best. Failed miserably at it. Then suddenly realized to enjoy the vision instead. I drove down the flyover and I thought, not a bad day of clouds at all. They have amused me throughout the day, from dawn to dusk. I called it the day of clouds and purples! 
:-D